i wrote this down for you, because i_like_you

i miss allie/hannah.

people change and do weird things... i got a shot and it still is sore. i also have to get braces..-again. life rules.

i start school on friday. i need to get shoes. my sister moves out the 26th and i have no where to live while my parents help her move in. whatever..

i realized, i really dont like a lot of people. its crazy.. and i think of like my really close friends.. and i think of like. 3 xcp girls and 2 sm girls?? is that all? the only ones that i am close in their lives too. you know who you are :) even though no one has livejournals so why say that in the first place ?!

i think i need help. i am a sad girl.

how much easier is it for the really pretty girls. i realized how unfair is that !? i apologize. im in one of my moods-- i couldnt even watch summerland.. :( ..  i cant go back to school. i refuse.

this is my life::

im gonna spend another night all by myself, like a loser on the outside lookin' in. and no one cares if i disappear and dont come back, cause the only friends i have are in my head. and i know that im alive but i feel dead..

confidence and ego trips i never took, you'll never know the places that i've been. who is gonna sell me a miracle? cause every star ive wished on fades away.. and my universe gets dimmer everyday.

quotes for today::

so this how it ends, toxic and delibrate.. im not letting go of it.. you look so lovely running through my fingers, where everythings always felt right.

just something that the east coast does to me, makes me forget who i am. well so come on and hold me, dont put out the lights, i want to see that look in your eyes. i know though lately ive been out of your sight-- being here has never felt so right. im fallin' in love with you.. balloons or no balloons.. so its time i forget the past and just learn to love what i have, and i love waking up to your laugh.... ill spend the rest of my life with only you by my side <3

i finally got my florida pictures up but they look kinda bad cause i didnt know how to do this.. you can see them all at http://photobucket.com/albums/v461/ibdancin/ but im putting most of them up here anyway.

( im on fire and now i think im ready to bust a move )

xoxox

-colleen

quotes for today::

so long sweet summer, i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays, so long sweet slumber i fell into you now your gracefully falling away. hey thanks, thanks for that summer.

your the one, thats making me crazy, im in love but its only temporary.

i havent updated in so long..

i dont even know what to say.. im still in florida and it is beautiful and there are beautiful men here. i have not met the man of my dreams though.. but talking with some of the cute ones has made up for it.

i went fishing, on a sunset cruise, kayaking, to mote marine, on an alligator cruise, shopping in the village and in st. armends, and beach of course.. and im tired. i only have like 2 weeks and a few days before i have to go back to school and i think i need to spend it at home. floridas great.. for about a week.

im missing the format, i already missed limbeck.. life isnt the same without my boys!! i even talkedt o chris from melee online and he put me on the guestlist for the warped tour here but its not the same and im not gonna drive an hour out to see it... again.

i miss all my girls.. i wish i went to california like all my other friends. ahh. but im a complainer. and i still need to get my format marquee cd..

i.love.robb. <3

welcome home adrienne

shaya i cant wait to see u in all my classes! kelly and chris we've got some too.. chris i cant wait to meet the dwarfs, the second im home!! 525 on the second!! xoxo

<3colleen 

quotes for today::

-well its love.. make it hurt.

-when your heart its broken you start to see the cracks in everything.

and i cant seem to let this go..

to a time when our lives aligned. holding onto the phone, holding  onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didnt last. waiting for better words, they'll never come. so dry your eyes, its better, now its done. i never lost so much

the colors have built up in my mind, they're bleeding through my heart, and nobody knows they exist... and its so hard for me to explain what i will miss to myself

im still in love, but im one of a million hearts you'll someday break, close my eyes but still i wont give up. and i know i still don't believe it's true. But i can't let go and i dont know what to do..

she'll spend her life, thinking of us and making a fuss.

i will crawl, theres things that are worth giving up i know, but i wont let this get me, i will fight. you live the life your given with the storms outside.

we get high in back seats of cars,  we put faith in our concerns, fall in love to down on the street, we believe in the sum of ourselves. i said thats the way we get by.

well i think the time has come to tell you how i feel about everything thats been inside my mind since the day we crossed the line into this real life fantasy cause i poured my heart into the last 3 years of wondering what i should do.

they say loving you is my biggest mistake, but how can it be so wrong if it feels so right, if ever i made a mistake, its not that i love you, its thinking that someday you'll love me too

im not supposed to love you, im not supposed to care, im not supposed to live my life wishing you were there, im not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do. im sorry i just cant help myself, i fell in love with you.

if your lucky you get a second chance with the one you love. sometimes luck isnt enough.

you never realize how much you love someone until they're gone. you never realize that.. yes.. once their love surrounded you but now.. what do you have ? Memories. Why does love hurt so much, when its supposed to be such a good thing? Why do we dwell on the past when the future is what matters? it's something that.. yeah.. can't be helped but maybe its harder for you than it is for somene else. faint smells of cologne, a song on the radio,  a movie, or a single word.. these are things that bring back those memories. but you cant hide from these things. because they're there and no matter how hard you try to they'll always be there. even when you have moved on to the future and those things don't trigger the moemries as much as beofre they still do. you cant forget somene that you've loved.. you many want  to.. but you can't. love cannot be forgotten. no matter how hard we try and how much we think it'll ease the pain. it will be there.. forever.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think of the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. And if you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion that love actually is all around

 ::on signs:: but for now let me say, without hope or agenda, just because its christmas (and at christmas you tell the truth) to me, you are perfect, and my wasted heart will love you until you look like this [picture of mummy]

-its my favorite part of the day, driving you

-(in portugese) its the saddest part of my day, leaving you

i still love you, absolutely, thers not a doubt in my mind. with all my anger and my ego i was always faithful in my love for you. that i made you doubt it, was the great mistake in a life full of mistakes. The truth doesnt set us free, or i woudl tell you i love you as many times as you needed to hear it, but all it does is remind us that love isnt enough. its not even close.

i hate uncertianty, i hate trying to forget, i hate not wanting to forget, i hate confusion, i hate unclear answers, i hate mistakes, i hate love. i hate a life full of wishing... if i could have one wish i would wish that i never had to wish anymore.

ahh.. so in the past like 2 weeks ive changed and changed my loves.. from nate-mike-marko-john-robb-patt-jesse-jeff-forrest-etc. and it sucks to miss them ALL and get NONE of them ever.. sadly enough for me. but tucson still kicked ass. That was one day i shant forget..
misery likes company came on, and i claimed red-shirt-boy (didnt know his name was jeff yet).. christina took black-shirt-boy and despite what i thought at the time im oh-so-glad i didnt pick him! haha. he 'wails' kind of um.. funnily? yeah i dont know how we got through that one.. sadly enough he probably saw us laughing everytime.. but my red-shirt-boy was still amazing and oohhhh so hott. all his friends heard us talking about them though im pretty sure.. and then later them came up and talked to us ahh.. and we got like 5 free shirts *shaya, im sorry YOU of all people got stuck w/ the large.. hahah* im kinda sad we couldnt go out w/ them later.. unfortunetly we still CANT drive "we all got rides, cause no one had their license, we all got rides.." SUCKS ASS.. anyway though..
hellogoodbye came on and omg forrest was so very cute w/ his little orange shorts! ahhh! not to be outdone by wonderful jesse.. and marko w/ his cute little headphones!! happy birthday to him! and chris.. who fell in love w/ our chris <3
next was LIMBECK. right before them i got to talk to my love jeff, and supposedly they're gonna be in phx this weekend 'shopping' or something weird.. actually im not sure when they said i cant remember.. but whateves ROBB WAS AMAZING..  he rocked that tambourine. what a guy. he was beautiful. so were the rest: yay for pat-matt-and-justin!
after we made our way out of the crowd to meet people and we meet all of hellogoodbye and bought shirts which they all signed SO nicely.. : ) and took pictures! i dont know how to get them on here, if anyone wants to post and tell me than cool ill put them up. my favorite moments w/ jesse: chris yelling his name and him turning around and dancing CRAZILY w/ me though he'd never seen me before.. i thought i was gonna die, too bad shaya didnt get the camera out in time.. and asking
-"will you take a picture w/ me?"
-"will you sit on my lap?" umm.. YES PLEASE HOT MAN. ahh.. if only i could get that picture up here.. his little arm is around my waist.. ahh.. hahahaha sadly he doesnt even remember it im sure and i sit here wasting all my time thinking about it..
oh and when i was in line bying my shirt someone tapped me to talk to me and it ended out being jeff! from misery likes company. and we talked a little bit but it was still really great. ahh.. he said he was gonna come play at mason jar sometime soon. woop woop. idk when though.. but whateves. hes still SUPER.

thenn we went outside after chris and chris fell in love and talked for liek 40 minutes while beautiful beautiful motion city soundtrack played, and i danced w/ forrest during the future freaks me out woop woop i loev that man. and took more pictures.. we ventured outside only to find my one and only ROBB. and we were like hi and he hugged me and kept hugging me as he told us 'not to be silly, of course he remembered us' ;D SO IT WAS A WONDERFULLY LONG HUG!! i almost died.. we took more pictures, talked a bit, and the beautiful night was brought to a close... well at least to a hotel where we stayed up for hours talking about the beauty of the night. ahhhh.... i thought id write this detailed cause neither xtina or shaya did it justice and girls i want to remember it all!

shaya- remember: jesse touching you SO much, standing together watching chris-chris flirt, eating all my much needed energy booster, 'shaya is so smart', your little feet on me in the car (ew), my wonderous country singing (or was that my moms..), weird boy staring.., ::honking and waving::, inviting yourself to our bed... a lot haha, turtle! your gucci purse !!

christina- remember: chris and all his love, claiming all the good men before shaya could ;), laughing intensely at YOUR lover haha, the small chinese boy and david 'combating'??, those wonderful pages i bookmarked in cosmo ;), JEFF, falling in love a lot <3, ... colleen.... i think i love chris btw.. allll night, being made fun of by an evil skrappys crowd! 'someone' grabbing your butt a lot..

BOTH- remember in addition: dancing to the future freaks me out, our shirts, shaya getting stuck w/ a large shirt, talking w/ robb, feeling young and out of place, contemplating who we'd give our virginity, late night dinner from the vending machine, my mom dancing (oh lord), claiming men then will never want us back (besides chris-chris), going to IHOP in my sexy sexy boxers, having the time of our lives with the loves of our lives.. , trying to imitate robbs "great desert", MLC we need to get our string!! haha im really weird/obsessed yes?, adding our names to robbs beautiful song!! him really changing the words to 'jesse is so smart' ahh..

xo my lovers

-colleen

quotes for tucson:

"and i cant imagine that we wont miss this, coming for tucson with everyone there..."

"im on fire and now i think im ready to bust a move ( like i did w/ jesse and forrest) check it out im rocking steady (my mother) to the beat in my head it goes oh oh oh i know that shes the only one id rather waste my time together yeah cause we can get down (and we did in that hotel girls...)"

ooo....mmyyy....Goooddd... last night was BEAUTIFUL. no other words to describe all the loves of my life.. we had interactions with everyone of the bands.

so many good things to say i dont know where to begin. so ill begin at the beginning. the format performed first, and we had already claimed our spots front row, clutched to the 'gate' or whateves you wanna call it. sam and nate came and played WONDERFULLY. can i just say nates never hit his notes so greatly ? i mean he held them for hours. it was wonderful...

then came redwest, christina and the singer had a little moment.. i got a little jealous but it was DEFINIETLY made up for later. northstar came out and our interaction there wasnt as exciting, but the bassist talked to me on the mic during the concert!! haha just to ask if he was on camera cause i was following him with my cell.. after that i was attached to him though..

then the BEST (well at least tied w/ format) part of the night... jealous sound!! it started with the bassist catching me staring at him a few times.. i mean he was RIGHT in front of me what did he expect ?! and so he started looking at me as well.. and smiling/laughing at me hahaha. then i told christina so we both started staring... there was even a point where he looked at me and waited for me to look at him!! ahhh.. damn his wife. haha. and then mike from the format came out! omg he was CRAAAZZYY i couldnt even contain my excitement.. he jumped up RIGHT in front of me. no one in the whole crowd had a better view.. and he did it more than once. i got really excited and grabbed his leg (woops) and omg. i seriously thought i was gonna die he was so beautiful. then after jealous sound finished the bassist saw us still staring at him and gave us a 'whats up'.. and proceeded to give me his pick! and christina his song list w/ a cute little drawing on the back.. ahhh... ihearthimmucho.ive seriously become obsessed w/ my little johnny.. anyway.

we went in search of band members.. came across nate who seemed in a hurry. we didnt get to talk to him.. whateves. it was still a beautiful night.. with beautiful band members. the crowd hated us.. the bands loved us (christina hahaha). or so we say.. thanks to shaya, christina.. zack hahahaha. i will NEVER forget that wonderful night. im still on my concert high, mixed in w/ the pain of missing the band.

we HAVE to go to the next jealous sound concert and be front row PLEASE PLEASE. i miss john.. it hurts. SOO... bad... i love you all that experienced it w/ me.. here we come limbeck...

xo

colleen

quotes for today-

they dont know what its like to love some piece of music.. some silly band.. so much.. that it hurts.

hands down this is the best day i can ever remember, always remember the sound of the stereo, dim of the soft lights, the smell of your hair (SMOKE!) that you twirled around your fingers, and the time on the clock when we realized its so late...

ahh.. girls.. i miss them.. :(

yes, i did yoga today with christina and i had to contain my laughter at first but i actually got really into it and enjoyed it immensley. it was very beautiful. and i did the bird of paridise (yes i know you are all REALLY impressed with me) yay warrior  number one chris!! hahaaa

well, i did miss out on the format concert, and sorry to all i was bitter about it that did not deserve it. first and foremost, my little shay shay that i owe a public apology cause i love her so much and i didnt mean to make her feel bad after everything she did for me! iwas just very jealous and confused. but if i couldnt be there, it was next best to have you there for me. and this saturday we're seeing them again and no matter what i'm meeting them!! no doubt. ahh im way excited. im leaving my family and my father on fathers day to move in w/ christina. actually, they are leaving me but whateves.

christina, i know ur excited for me to move in, we havent been apart for more than 12 hours in what.. um.. like 3 weeks minus that tucson day. and ill be taking ur brothers shower over. and putting my gross feet on alex.. and im really excited (except not, im scared) to stay at your house w/ all your family and not you for like hours.. that creeps me out. (im really sorry stephen, but your bicycles been stolen.. the song) power yoga monday!! uhh im confused about everything..

shaya- im so excited to see the format with you my love. I CANNOT WAIT. its gonna be killer. and we are gonna meet them and they are gonna make love to us in the back again, and t'll be even better now cause we learned all those noises we can make from the sounds of sex. it'll be very lovely

britNAY! your not grounded anymore! ahhhh yay for the format. i havent got my ticket yet!! i need one. immidetly! shitttt.. i just remembered lol! but i love you and we can make love this weekend since ur freeeeeee! yayyyyyyyy

that is all.

xo

-colleen

quotes for today:

"could you please leave all your clothes on and let me sweat this out? i can only see you naked, your not in the car, your not spending all your mothers money cause that makes you feel secure- i can only see you naked, cause thats all your good for."

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that

so the format concert is tonight, and where am i? at home, on my live journal. why? cause i spent all frickin weekend trying to win tickets and meet n' greets, but failed (we're still way good xtina, we just need to have less of a life so we can actually win). shaya and mary won, but i couldnt get a concert ticket from them cause mary needed money or some shit. so now my lover, christina, is at the concert, and i am all alone, sadly. arrr...

the best pleasure, is to deceive the deceiver- OH LET IT BE.

some kids suck, and some other kids are right about these kids before they even meet them.. but DAMN who can be that bad!?

christina, all i have to say is your my only tride and true, i.love.you.with.all.my.heart., and... tomorrow is spinning and swim!

xo

colleen

quotes for today:

THE FORMAT:

"so please just leave, you dont mean that much to me"

"dont you go sounding so exicted.. you're showing me your vanity"

"I could stand to do without all the people I have left behind"

"we'll use them to exploit the friends we've since forgot, those friends we've lost you all know just who you are"

only when i think about it.. I.HATE.EVERYTHING.ABOUT.YOU. only when i start to think about you i know.. only when you start to think about me do you know.. i hate everything about you.

wasitworthit? yousoldmeout.

ok well. its been awhile since i last updated. buttttt... i went to el concert and it was muy bien. coulda been better but look at that hottie from DC. yes i know. your jealous he had sex w/ me in the back. they literally rocked my pants.

i hung out with xtina as usual for immense amounts of time. not really i cant really remember.. spent the night w/ at her home thrusday nothing exciting, just the usual hot sex. and the mtv movie awards!! mmm that was hot. oh and we worked out, damn i love that wall... i went to the phoencian yesterday w/ hannah, allie, xtina, and then xtina spent the night. it was fun. today i went to the gym w/ xtina and then  mall with shay shay and greg, brian, and chris. we bought 'sounds of sex' it was again, muy bien (you are sooooo good shay)

i havent talked to my love in so long. i mean like an acutal conversation. its been like a week. and it bugs me. i reallllly want to see him. and his cell has been off. and i cant call his house anymore cause i loo like a stalker, and he hasnt been online. isnt that saddening?

YAH YAH. well, hey lush, have fun, its the weekend..

quotes for today::

its when im standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much i love you and how much i miss you that i just want to scream to the whole room that im still in love with you. its when im sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hoping you won't hang up that i would trade a thousands tomorrows for one more day with you. then i would just call you tell you good night. its when i am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that i realize you're the only one who really knew me at all. its when i cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much i would give anything have you hold me at that very moment. its when i think about you that i realize no one in the world is meant for me but you.  i miss the way you told me you really loved me, but thats what happens when a couple breaks up, the love fades, and you have to get used to not hearing 'i miss you' or 'i love you' anymore. and the rest of your days are spent on trying to let go, or trying to move on. or convincing that still hopeful heart of yours that there isn't a chance left in the world that you'll both end up being together again. then you have to face the heartache that comes with the thought of your love being with someone else and realize your chances of ever being with them again are getting more and more thin each day..

Tears down my ceek. sobs in my throat. you will never feel my pain. ill love you forever with all my heart. im sure you'll never feel the same. everytime someone mentions your name my head turns right tward them. its like everytime i hear you i think of all that we could have had, and all that could have happeend that didnt. i sit here pouring my heart out to you and what i get in return is a confused face. its hard to lose someone you so love, so please forgive me for trying to hold on... but i will never forget your eyes.. they are undrescirable. they are just the type you wanna look into and try to find something, but you cant, so u just keep looking... cause they are so great.

omg it does NOT feel like week 2 of summer school, it feels like at least 4 or 5. i cant believe we just started. and that lab today- i cant believe i missed my break for that stupid thing. seriously whats the point in graphing that all!? its bull shit.

but christina.. ahhh i get excited when i think of our progress at summer school- dont you!? its really exciting. thats the only good thing about summer school. at least we're getting something out of it all.. and we need to keep progressing everyday- tomorrow, our goal! im upset about our you-know-what being stolen thouhg.. we need to go to a concert together soon with my little shay shay and my lesbian love adrienne. yes girls?

 adrienne! im so excited your staying with me! its gonna be rockin. adn we can chill w/ jeff and kevin.. or they can come over and we can swim and dance in the backyard- our speciality.. good thing we've been practicing.. i mean what? who? jesus?

btw detention today sucked ass. but i actually studied a bit, this shit is hard, i wouldnt have gotten any studying done if it werent for that.. u know what im sayin? and my girls, it makes me cry you dont post more.. about me. haha jk. adrienne, you post enough for us all.

i need a job! if anyone knows anywhere 15 year olds can apply, please tell me. thanks kids! i love you all

xo

quotes for today-

"i know you never thought that i'd be away so long, i know its unfair to ask you to wait for me.... its hard to keep my balance when you look the other way, so im letting go with every breathe im taking. so many reasons i need more to believe in- but the time has come to turn and walk away.. "

"Can you hear them- they talk about us, telling lies, well thats no surprise.. can you see them? see right through them- they have no shield, no secrets to reveal. it doesnt matter what they say- in the jealous games people play."

i am stuck in flagstaff. i HATE it with a passion. like no jokes, it is so incredibly boring. a few other xavier kids are up here. i dont know where though. and also my love victoria is with her bf so i cant intrude that. and im also SO tired. i hate life.

this place always makes me in a bad mood. like i swear all week i have so much to do, and now that i have time to do it, i have nothing to do. the thing about this place is its like being at home, except calls are long distance, service sucks, your not in your real room/bathroom, and theres no where to go and no one to go with. i generally invite friends but i dont want to drag them down into this terror with me.

last night i went out with my hot hoe christina and my DEFINITE lesbian adrienne. it was hott. i loved it. along with jeffrey my love, kevin, jp, and bryce. we never do anything, but its always fun. except last night was kinda not as much. cause i was in a bad mood and stupid stuff happened -my girls that were there, thanks for trying to cheer me up, i know you know why im upset- but either way, at least i got to go out before i got stuck up here. hopefully ill be back in time to do something monday..

christina. i think everything with everything is just improving and moving along SO good.. we have to keep hitting the next step up.. we have less and less time.. i am so glad that your int his with me or i'd NEVER make it this far. when one of us doesnt have courage to do something, the other one will. and thats what i love about us. we really are each others bitches cause ialways take your advice right away above everyone else.

shaya, i had a delightful time at your home. it was beautiful. beautiful music, BEAUTIFUL dancing, beautiful humping, beatuiful food and lemonade, beautiful breasts-for-the-day haha, we need to do that more often after summer school with xtina yes?

this is crazy long, and they are all gonna be this weekend im sure, im sure ill write a lot cause i HATE it up here. but i love you all, comment please for my sanity to keep up in herre.

xo,

colleen

quotes for today-

"for what its worth, it was worth all the while.."

"You're all I ever wanted, you're all I ever needed, so tell me what to do now cause I want you back. It's hard to say I'm sorry, it's hard to make the things I did undone. A lesson I've learned too well, for sure, so don't hang up the phone now I'm trying to figure out just what to do, I'm going crazy without you.You're all I ever wanted You're all I ever needed, so tell me what to do now when I want you back"

bleh i just made an entry and it disappeared just to PISS ME OFF. anyway.. i am still currently in summer school unfortunetly. but i get to see my little christina EVERYDAY. its very exhilirating. and her cousin!! yayayaya. haha- we are such freaks, like no jokes, i was so excited about today!! and our mission. it wasnt a GREAT success but it was a very great start. yay!! haha. we'll crack this baby! anyway.. i cant believe we have homework. what the fuck is that? SO not doing that fucking egg thing..

after school i traveled to my loves house. we watched almost famous, but i didnt see the end cause i had to leave cause he had a baseball game. i kinda blew my mom off at the mall and probably lost out on some new make up but whateves.

christina my darling.. our mission.. thats all thats been on my mind lover. im so not even kidding. i think we're one step closer? but i could be wrong. and i love you desperately. i would come to the concert tonight, but i have no ride home and hell id be tired as fuck. but IHEARTYOU.

xo

quotes for today-

"im a lot of faith, this is how i feel- im cold and i am shamed, lying naked on the floor. illusion never changed into something real, im wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn. your a little late- im already torn."

"heart torn out, down for the count and still come back for more. this lesson is learned too well, though only unlearned by the time your wounds are healed. have you had enough? i guess not cause your lips are stuck to his, its time to say enough is enough. you'd be so better off- you love him but tough, cause its not coming back from him- you cant win. stop expecting change- hes just a lost cause that your waiting on. take a look around: you could have anyone, so leave undeserving him. it only hurts at first, but then you'll find someone to give you everything you want- try not to go running back to him."